FUNNY JOKE & SMS

A is for the automobile which he doesn’t own.

B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.

C is for the commitment that was never there.

D is for the dildo he didn’t know I had.

E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.

F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn’t something or someone better to do.

G is also for the spot he could never find!

H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.

I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.

J is for jugular, the one I’d love to sever.

K is for kinky, he always started without me.

L is for love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH and LITTLE DICK.

M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?

N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.

O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have.

P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!

Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.

R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.

S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.

T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.

U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.

V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.

W is for wife, the one he said he didn’t have.

X is what he is to me now!!!!

Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.

Z isn’t for anything, just like him, he ain’t anything either.

BEFORE – You take my breath away
AFTER – I feel like I’m suffocating

BEFORE – Saturday Night Fever
AFTER – Monday Night Football

BEFORE – Don’t stop
AFTER – Don’t start

BEFORE – It’s like I’m living in a dream
AFTER – It’s like he lives in a dorm

BEFORE – Turbocharged
AFTER – Jumpstart

BEFORE – We agree on everything
AFTER – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE – Idol
AFTER – Idle

BEFORE – He’s completely lost without me
AFTER – Why won’t he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE – Passion
AFTER – Ration

BEFORE – Once upon a time
AFTER – The end

2 Lovers plan to suicide.
Boy jumped first, Girl closed her eyes return back saying love is blind. Boy in air opened his parachute saying love never dies.

Girl:How Much You Love Me?

Boy:Like SHAJAHAN

Girl:Then When Will You Build TAJMAHAL?

Boy:Already Purchased Land; Now Waiting For Your Death.

My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda),
You are my TVS SCOOTY(first love) and my AIWA (pure passion).

I always BPL (believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (better than the best). You are DOMINO’SPIZZA (delivering a million smiles) for me.

This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (seriously fresh)feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your mother who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (the unshakable) and my mother who is CEAT (born tough) , but don’t worry as I am also FORD ICON (The josh machine) and rest of our family members are pretty KELVINATORS (the coolest ones). If our mother say no, we will run away and marry, and PHILIPS (let’s make things better).

They will feel MIRINDA (zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe in
COCA-COLA (jo chahe ho jaye) . Trust in God who’s always NOKIA(connecting people) who love each other. And do not forget that we are WILLS (made for each other).

Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE ?(fun fast easy) and PARX (always comfortable). So never forget me.
Ok bye!

I wrote little but actually PEPSI (yeh dil mange more)!!.

Yours
LG (Digitally yours).

Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”)

9. There’s a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)

8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way.
(You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)

6. I’ve got a boyfriend.
(Who’s really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)

5. I don’t date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same ’solar system’, much less the same building.)

4. It’s not you, it’s me.
(It’s not me, it’s you.)

3. I’m concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I’m celibate.
(I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let’s be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

• Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
• If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.
• Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
• If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
• If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
• Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
• If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
• If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
• If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
• Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

1-Never walk without a document in your hands

People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2-Use computers to look busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3-Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4-Voice Mail

Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

5-Looking Impatient and Annoyed

According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6-Leave the Office Late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7-Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8-Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9-Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10-MOST IMPORTANT!!!:

DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!