One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down. The monkey said, “If you tie yourself up I’ll come down.” So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking.

The lion said, “Hey, monkey, you don’t have to be scared! I’m not going to eat you; I’m tied up real tight.”

“I know,” said the monkey. “That’s not why I’m shaking.”

“So why are you shaking?” asked the lion.

“Well,” said the monkey, “it’s just that I’ve never had sex with a lion before.”

A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey.

The bartender said, “You can’t bring that monkey in here!” The man replied, “Don’t worry, he won’t cause any trouble.”

Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. The bartender yelled, “Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!” So the monkey and the man left.

The man left but came back one week later with his monkey. He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble. The bartender let him and the monkey stay.

Later that night, the monkey walked over to a bowl of grapes, put one in his ass, and then ate it. The bartender said, “That’s disgusting! Why did he do that!”

The man said, “Since he swallowed the cue ball, he sizes everything up before he eats it.”

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Doctor Jones took his patient into his office and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

The patient said, “Give me the good news.”

Doctor Jones said, “They’re going to name a disease after you.”

A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from “crank” (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly “You mean like having sex with our dog?”

A boy called the doctor..
“Doctor, doctor come quick, my younger brother has just swallowed my pen.”
“I’ll be right over – what are you doing in the meantime?”
“I’m using a pencil…”

Doctor Doctor I think I’m a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window…!

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon!
Well sit still and don’t stir!

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I’ll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you’ll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises!

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it– stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.” “That’s when I made my big mistake.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!” “I don’t remember much after that!”

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”

The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.”
The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

   Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end”.

Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.

You’ve ever lost a dog to a bush hog.

You’ve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.

You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won’t ask for them again.

You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.