It was coming up to Christmas and the Judge was in a jolly frame of mind.
“Now then, please tell me, what is the charge against you?”

” I was caught doing my Christmas shopping very early.” replied the man in the dock.

“That doesn’t seem like an offence to me. What do you mean by ‘very early?

“Well, your Honour.” said the defendant, “It was before the shop was open.”

Billy wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. They had not been going out together for very long. So, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would most appropriate; romantic but not too personal.

He then engaged the help of his sweetheart’s younger sister to assist him in choosing an appropriate item; and off they went shopping together. Billy eventually bought a pair of very stylish winter gloves in pale pink and the sister took the opportunity of buying herself a pair of panties from the same store. However, during the wrapping process, the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without thinking to check the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

‘I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons down the side, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I asked her to try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

Here are ten useful phrases for responding to Christmas presented you would rather not have received:

1.  Thanks a lot!
2.  My word!  What a gift.
3.  Well, well, well …
4.  If I hadn’t put on so much weight recently it would have fitted me perfectly.
5.  Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We’re always losing things around here.
6.  It’s great; but I’m worried about the jealousy it may create.
7.  Just my luck to get this, on the Christmas I promised to give all my gifts to charity.
8.  Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5’s Witness Protection programme.
9.  Frankly, I don’t deserve this.
10. Really, you shouldn’t have.

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on
the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from
the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he
could hardly wait to tell his parents.

As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learned all
about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There
wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on
camels had to deliver all the toys!

And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t
there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to
find their way around!”

Stage One: You believe in Father Christmas.

Stage Two: You don’t believe in Father Christmas.

Stage Three: You are Father Christmas.

One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems …… everywhere.

Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.

After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.

The angel greeted him very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn’t it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn’t it just the loveliest Christmas tree you’ve ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Are you like me and think Christmas is starting earlier and earlier every year?  For example, all those decorations up on 5th Avenue – those are for next year.” –Dave Letterman —

“I bought my Christmas tree today.  I think I made a mistake though.  I bought the three year extended warranty.  I don’t think I need that.” –Jay Leno —

Isn’t it ironic that two of the most popular Christmas songs were written by Jews.  Mel Torme’s “Christmas Song” and Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas”.

Your Eggnog’s Too Strong

If you see a fat man …
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it…

Your eggnog’s too strong!!!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It’s Christmas, Eve !
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month ?
The letter “D” !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
Who delievers cat’s Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !
Who delievers elephants’s Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he’s Sooty !

TOP 10 REASONS WHY CHANUKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS

10.  There’s no “Donny and Marie Chanukah Special.”
9.  Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
8.  No need to clean the chimney.
7.  There’s no latke-nog.
6.  Burl Ives doesn’t sing Chanukah songs.
5.  You won’t be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
4.  You won’t see, “You’re a Putz, Charlie Brown.”
3.  No barking dog version of “I had a Little Driedl.”
2.  No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

and the Number 1 reason why Chanukah is better than Christmas…

1.  Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.