• Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
• If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.
• Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
• If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
• If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
• Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
• If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
• If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
• If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
• Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

1-Never walk without a document in your hands

People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2-Use computers to look busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3-Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4-Voice Mail

Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

5-Looking Impatient and Annoyed

According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6-Leave the Office Late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7-Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8-Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9-Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10-MOST IMPORTANT!!!:

DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

I was staying in a large apartment park, where half the population of Seattle can be found in 5 square block. For the Chinese New Year, it is traditional for every family to light fireworks, All the people were on one side of the street and all the fireworks were done on the other side. Many images came to mind…

a. Take the most powerful fireworks mankind has ever made, give them to a bunch of 10 year old kids, and confine them to a space of 15 square feet.
b. About 1 in 10 fireworks would drift over into the crowd and blowup.
c. The Noise…roughly 1000 firecrackers going off per second, and 10x that going off from other places around the city. Imagine having a truck 2 feet behind you, beeping like crazy, and you not realize it until the driver gets out and tells you to move.
d. Crossing the Street, from the Crowd side to the Fireworks side is a once in a life time experience. You not only have to worry about 200 kids Fire-grenades coming your way, you also have to dodge traffic, which seams to be unaffected by the fireworks. The casualty rate for those who tried to cross this divide, were slightly better than storming the beaches at Normandy.

A man got a kick out of turning simple things into mysteries when composing a letter, though he was not good at all at writing.

One day his father told him to write a letter to his brother and tell him four things:

A villager died not long ago.
The price of meat has gone up.
The household has employed a new accountant.
His brother’s wife is going to have a baby.
When the son had finished, however, the letter read:
“A villager died not long ago. The meat sold for 179 silver coins.

The household has employed a new accountant. My sister-in-law’s belly is getting bigger and bigger.”

He soon got an angry answer from his brother:

“Domestic shame should not be made public. How can the flesh of the dead be sold to others?”

Chen was extremely hungry, so he left work and went to a local snack bar where he bought a cake.  When Chen had eaten the cake, he found that he was still famished, and so he ate a second one.

Even then he was not full up and promptly ate six cakes in succession, but he hadn’t satisfied his hunger.  Not until Chen had eaten the seventh cake did he feel satisfied.

Then, suddenly, he had a feeling of regret. ‘Ah, if I had known this before, I would have eaten the seventh cake first and that would have been enough and there would not have been any need to eat those six others.’

1.Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
2.A life with love is happy; a life for love is foolish.
3.War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.
4.A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.
5.Three humble shoemakers brainstorming make a great statesman.
6.Visiting monks give better sermons.
7.He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
8.An ambitious horse will never return to its old stable.
9.A conversation with a wise person is worth of ten years’ study of books.
10.Chinese ‘Cracked Pot’ Parable