Latest / New Animal Jokes Collection

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, “I think it’s WOOMB.” The second replied, “No, it must be WOOOOMBH.” The third said, “You both have it wrong — it’s WOOM.” The fourth stated, “No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.”

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, “Look, you hayseeds, it’s WOMB. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.” Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, “Well, I don’t know. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t see how she could know. I’ll bet she’s never even heard an elephant fart!”

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?”

The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand”.

“OK” said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?”

“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert”, “Thanks Mom” replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??”

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.”

“That’s great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water.

But Mom”, “Yes son?”

“Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?”

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

A vampire bat comes back to his fellow vampires with a blood on his mouth. They stare at him jealously and ask him where he got the blood. He asks them, “Did you see that tree back there?”
“Sure,” they reply.
“Well I didn’t!”

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river
deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites
the elephant’s tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same
river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that
bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.

The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can,
sending him flying way off into the jungle. “Why did you do that?” the
giraffe asks. “When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no
reason,” the elephant replied. “Wow! You must have a good memory!”
exclaimed the giraffe.

“Yep!” said the elephant. “I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down,

it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it’s yours.

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, “the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars”. “Why does the parrot cost so much,” asks the man. The shop owner says, “well, the parrot knows how to use a computer”.

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, “What can it do?” To which the shop owner replies, “to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

Great big holes all over Africa.

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled and says, “This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?”

“No” says the psychic, “in a Biology class.”