Latest / New Computer Jokes Collection

Dear all,

I got this conversation between Software user and system Analyst, thought it will help laugh-off some stress, enjoy reading and have a pleasant weekend.

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

This wasn’t mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as “Boys’ Night out 2.5″ and “Golf 5.3″ no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected “Saturday Rugby 6.3″ always fails and “Saturdays Shopping 7.1″ runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications, be it online or offline. I am thinking of going back to “Girlfriend 7.0″, but uninstall doesn’t work on this program. Can you please help?

………… AND THIS IS WHAT THE SYSTEMS ANALYST SAID:
Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once it is installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitor’s Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the……… …C:\ APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system. It may be necessary to run C:\APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as “Flowers 2.0″ and “Chocolates 5.0″ or “HUGS\ KISSES 600.00″ or “TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0″ or even “Eating out without Kids 7.2.1″ (If Child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install “Secretary 2.1″ (Short Skirt Version) or “One Nightstand 3.2″ (Any Mood Version) as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.

BEST WISHES!

These are the definations of women as described by a computer expert

HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

INTERNET woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.

CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.

EMAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS woman:
Also called “wife”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t you will lose everything!!

Customer:Hey Shopkeeper i want some curtains for my computer
Shopkeeper:Why do u need curtains for your computer ????
Customer:Oh you don’t know my computer has windows

The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to “getting into” E-mail and how to access the “Information Highway.”

An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn’t working. His attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.

He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.

He replied, “The sign advertising the concert said, ‘begins@7:30PM’.”

Redmond, WA –Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system “Windows 2000″ will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb? “You’re still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!”

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There’s whiteout on the screen.

First man: “You know, I hear Microsoft is going to start making Condoms.”

Second man: “That gives a whole new meaning to the words, ‘General Protection Fault.’”

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being… a little strange.

While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.”

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and asked why it was so long.

“Because,” my son explained, “they say it has to have at least four characters.”