Latest / New Kids Jokes Collection

A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When postal authorities received the letter to GOD USA, they decided to send the letter on to President Clinton. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, “Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and state the conditions.”
Mary gasped and said in a huff, “Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!” She sat down, red-faced.

“Susan, can you tell me the answer?” asked Mr. Baldwin.

“The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions,” said Susan.

“Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you.”

First: “You have not studied your lesson.”
Second: “You have a dirty mind.”
And…
Third: “Boy are you going to be disappointed someday!”

1. Life is not fair. Get used to it.
2. The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as your school does.

3. Sorry, you won’t make $40,000.00 a years right out of high school, and you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either.

4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.

5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents called it opportunity.

6. It’s not your parents’ fault if you mess up. You’re responsible.

7. Before you were born, your parents weren’t boring. They got that way paying your bills and listening to you.

8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off, not even spring break. You are expected to show up every day for eight hours, and you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks.

9. Smoking does not make you look cool.

10. In some schools, you’re given as many chances as you want to get the answer right. Standards are set low enough so everyone can meet them. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life – as you will find out.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren’t necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don’t never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?”

“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: “Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” the boys said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “‘It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”