Latest / New Medical Jokes Collection

A man goes to his doctor to pick up his medicine. when he gets there, his doctor tells him that he has to take these up the butt, because otherwise he’d vomit them up.
The doctor asks the man if he’d like the doctor to put it in today because it’s his first time and after this his wife can do it, and the man agrees.
So he puts it in, and the man yells, “ow!” and then the doctor tells him it will sometimes hurt, and sends him on his way.
The next day, his wife puts it in for him, and as she puts it in, he screams at the top of his lungs.
She asks him what is wrong, because she put it in gently, and he tells her that when the doctor put it in, he had two hands on his shoulders.

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time.

As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia.

“Aha!” the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

“Aha!” said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

Two guys are sharing a hospital room. “What are you in for?” “I’m getting a circumcision.” “Damn! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were
Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant.The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. “I do have three hearts,” said the doctor.”

The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died.

It’s $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150,000.

The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It’s $500,000.” “Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!” “Yes, but it’s from a laywer. It’s never been used.”

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, “I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time

I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again.” “Well,” the doctor replies, “go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something.

If she doesn’t reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.

He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He gets no response.He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply.

He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, “We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work.” An Englishman said, “We are far more advanced than you.

We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks.” The Irishman says, “That’s nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man’s body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.” The American says, “Well hell, that’s nothin’.

We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin’ for work!