One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop.
J(ohnny):I want a pistol
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,
S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?
J: For shooting cans.
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.
S: And what cans will you shoot at?
J: Um…Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans…
There are 3 guys who get a visit from an angle. The angle says, “I’m giving you a heads up. You are going to die and then come back with a girl. How good you are in heaven determines how beautiful she’ll be.
So the first guy comes back and is with a really ugly girl. The most ugly you have probably seen.
Then, the second guy comes back and is with an even uglier girl.
But, when the third guy comes back he is with the most beautiful girl you ever did see.
The first 2 guys look at each other saying, “Wow, he must have been very good.”
Then the woman shouts, “I GOT STUCK WITH HIM!”
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room
temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to
conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO
any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes
explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane
source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element
rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray my penis I will keep.
And if I wake and it is gone
I hope I’ll find it on the lawn.
I hope the dog that’s running free
Doesn’t see that little part of me.
And many cautions I must take
To keep that part I love to shake.
Much attention must I pay
To see the knives are put away.
The mower, chainsaw, and hatchet, too
There’s just no telling what she’ll do.
So I cross my fingers, close my eyes,
And cross my legs to avoid surprise!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment.
“What happened” asked the doctor.
“Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV,” began the man.
“She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron.”
The doctor nodded, “But what happened to the other ear?”
“Well, no sooner had I hung up,” said the man, “when the same guy called again.”
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells “PIG!!!”
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, “BITCH!!!”
They each continue on their way, and ….. as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ….. and dies immediately.
If only men would listen.
A man was invited for dinner at a friend’s house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her “My Love”, “Darling”, “Sweetheart”, etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, “That’s really nice after all of these years you’ve been married to keep saying those little pet names.” The host said, “Well, honestly, I’ve forgotten her name.”
He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE.
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.