Latest / New Monkey Joke Collection

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them… grabs some sliced limes and eats them… then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No, what?” says the guy. “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Quite an appetite. I’ll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate.” He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did?” “What this time?” asks the patron. “Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures it first!”

A very horny guy is stranded on an island with a monkey. After a while, he decides to have sex with the monkey, but the monkey continually slips out of his grip and runs away.

One day, a very attractive girl is drowning in the ocean and the guy saves her.

She says, “I’ll do anything to repay you.”

The man says, “Can you help me catch that damn monkey?”

There’s a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board. The headquarters in the US calls:”Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions. “He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releasesthe oxygen. A few moments later headquarters calls again: “Monkey #2, Monkey #2report to coms for instructions. ” He sits down and he is told to addCarbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation. A little later on, headquarters calls again: “Woman, woman please report to coms for instructions. ” She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says. . . . . “I know, I know!! Feedthe monkeys, and don’t touch a damn thing. “

One day they both died,so she took them to the taxodermist. “So you want them mounted? ” asked the taxidermist. To which she replied: “No. Holding hands will do just fine. ”

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down. The monkey said, “If you tie yourself up I’ll come down.” So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking.

The lion said, “Hey, monkey, you don’t have to be scared! I’m not going to eat you; I’m tied up real tight.”

“I know,” said the monkey. “That’s not why I’m shaking.”

“So why are you shaking?” asked the lion.

“Well,” said the monkey, “it’s just that I’ve never had sex with a lion before.”

A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey.

The bartender said, “You can’t bring that monkey in here!” The man replied, “Don’t worry, he won’t cause any trouble.”

Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. The bartender yelled, “Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!” So the monkey and the man left.

The man left but came back one week later with his monkey. He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble. The bartender let him and the monkey stay.

Later that night, the monkey walked over to a bowl of grapes, put one in his ass, and then ate it. The bartender said, “That’s disgusting! Why did he do that!”

The man said, “Since he swallowed the cue ball, he sizes everything up before he eats it.”

top