Latest / New Office Jokes Collection

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

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The last day working

 ”You Know It’s Your Last Day At Work When……”

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?”, you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn”. Your boss is standing behind you. It’s his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”.

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You’re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

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Unique Job Interviews

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.

“What is it that you people do at this company?”

“What is the company motto?”

“Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”

“What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?”

“Why do you want references?”

“Do I have to dress for the next interview?”

“I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”

“Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”

“Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”

“Does your health insurance cover pets?”

“Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?”

“Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”

“Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?”

“Why am I here?”

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles

If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

I think I’m going to throw-up.

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Mistakes on a resume

These are from actual resumes:

“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.

“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”

“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”

“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”

“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

“Number of dependents: 40.”

“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”

RESUME BLOOPERS

“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

“Responsibility makes me nervous.”

“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”

“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

“Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.”

“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”

“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”

“I’m a rabid typist.”

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Bill Gates Decides to Sell Windows

Bill Gates decides to Sell OFF Microsoft ….. after receiving letter from India’s Mr Banta Singh Letter reproduced below Quote

To : Bill Gates, Microsoft
From : Banta Singh of Punjab
Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button ’start’ but there is no ’stop’ button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any ‘re-scooter’ is available in system? I find only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot to trace the key with this ‘find ‘button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem. 4. My child learnt ‘Microsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when you will provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows ‘My Computer’: when you will provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says ‘MY Pictures’ but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
7. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’ since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided ‘My Recent Documents’. When you will provide ‘My Past Documents’?
9. You provide ‘My Network Places’. For God sake please do not provide ‘My Secret Places’. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
Banta

Last one Mr. Bill Gates:
P.S. : Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

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Boss And Employees

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, “A bottle of wine?”
His employees replied, “No.”
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. “A bottle of scotch?”
“His employees replied again, “No.”
Finally the boss asked, “I give up. What is it?”
His workers responded, “A puppy.”

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12 Days Of Help desk

  • “12 Days of Christmas”
  • On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me. A problem with E.T.
  • On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.
  • On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me Three dead disks, Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.
  • On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me Four virused files, three dead disks,TwoVendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
  • On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me. Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
    Four virused files, three dead disks, 2 VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
  • On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me. Six servers crashing,
    Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three dead disks, Two Venda Cards, and a problem with E.T.
  • On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me Seven files missing, six servers crashing, Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three dead disks, Two Venda Cards, and a problem with E.T.
  • On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me, Eight phones a-ringing,
    Seven files missing, six servers crashing, Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three dead disks, Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
  • On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me, Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing, Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
    Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three dead disks,Two
    VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
  • On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me, Ten ribbons fading,
    Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing, Seven files missing, six servers crashing, Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three
    dead disks, Two Venda Cards, and a problem with E.T.
  • On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me, Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading, Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing, Seven
    files missing, six servers crashing, Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three dead disks, Two Venda Cards, and a problem with E.T.
  • On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me, Twelve e-mail problems,
    Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading, Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing, Seven files missing, six servers crashing, Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three dead disks, Two Venda Cards, and a problem with E.T.

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