FUNNY JOKE & SMS» Office Jokes

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

faraz — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:04:16 +0000

When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS is a post from: FUNNY JOKE & SMS

10 Rules For Getting Guaranteed Promotion …

faraz — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 11:10:08 +0000

1-Never walk without a document in your hands

People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2-Use computers to look busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3-Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4-Voice Mail

Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

5-Looking Impatient and Annoyed

According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6-Leave the Office Late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7-Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8-Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9-Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10-MOST IMPORTANT!!!:

DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

10 Rules For Getting Guaranteed Promotion … is a post from: FUNNY JOKE & SMS

The last day working

faraz — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 02:59:28 +0000

”You Know It’s Your Last Day At Work When……”

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?”, you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn”. Your boss is standing behind you. It’s his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”.

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You’re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

The last day working is a post from: FUNNY JOKE & SMS

Unique Job Interviews

faraz — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 02:57:38 +0000

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.

“What is it that you people do at this company?”

“What is the company motto?”

“Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”

“What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?”

“Why do you want references?”

“Do I have to dress for the next interview?”

“I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”

“Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”

“Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”

“Does your health insurance cover pets?”

“Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?”

“Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”

“Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?”

“Why am I here?”

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles

If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

I think I’m going to throw-up.

Unique Job Interviews is a post from: FUNNY JOKE & SMS

Mistakes on a resume

faraz — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 02:53:43 +0000

These are from actual resumes:

“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.

“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”

“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”

“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”

“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

“Number of dependents: 40.”

“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”

RESUME BLOOPERS

“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

“Responsibility makes me nervous.”

“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”

“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

“Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.”

“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”

“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”

“I’m a rabid typist.”

Mistakes on a resume is a post from: FUNNY JOKE & SMS

Bill Gates Decides to Sell Windows

faraz — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:34:02 +0000

Bill Gates decides to Sell OFF Microsoft ….. after receiving letter from India’s Mr Banta Singh Letter reproduced below Quote

To : Bill Gates, Microsoft
From : Banta Singh of Punjab
Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button ’start’ but there is no ’stop’ button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any ‘re-scooter’ is available in system? I find only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot to trace the key with this ‘find ‘button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem. 4. My child learnt ‘Microsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when you will provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows ‘My Computer’: when you will provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says ‘MY Pictures’ but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
7. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’ since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided ‘My Recent Documents’. When you will provide ‘My Past Documents’?
9. You provide ‘My Network Places’. For God sake please do not provide ‘My Secret Places’. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
Banta

Last one Mr. Bill Gates:
P.S. : Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

Bill Gates Decides to Sell Windows is a post from: FUNNY JOKE & SMS

Boss And Employees

faraz — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:31:46 +0000

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, “A bottle of wine?”
His employees replied, “No.”
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. “A bottle of scotch?”
“His employees replied again, “No.”
Finally the boss asked, “I give up. What is it?”
His workers responded, “A puppy.”

Boss And Employees is a post from: FUNNY JOKE & SMS

12 Days Of Help desk

faraz — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:23:25 +0000

“12 Days of Christmas”
On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me. A problem with E.T.
On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.
On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me Three dead disks, Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.
On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me Four virused files, three dead disks,TwoVendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me. Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks, 2 VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me. Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three dead disks, Two Venda Cards, and a problem with E.T.
On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me Seven files missing, six servers crashing, Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three dead disks, Two Venda Cards, and a problem with E.T.
On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me, Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing, Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three dead disks, Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me, Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing, Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three dead disks,Two
VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.
On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me, Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing, Seven files missing, six servers crashing, Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three
dead disks, Two Venda Cards, and a problem with E.T.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me, Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading, Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing, Seven
files missing, six servers crashing, Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three dead disks, Two Venda Cards, and a problem with E.T.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me, Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading, Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing, Seven files missing, six servers crashing, Five Token Rings (*snap!*) Four viruses files, three dead disks, Two Venda Cards, and a problem with E.T.

12 Days Of Help desk is a post from: FUNNY JOKE & SMS