Latest / New Stupid Jokes Collection

This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s absolutely true.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started to move very slowly.The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve.Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Scotch.

Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone in the bar listed in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story, hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk!

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, “Hey, there’s the arsehole who jumped into the car while we were pushin it!”

Is your mouse calibrated? If you’re not sure, then it’s probably not. You should do this every few weeks to ensure your getting the most performance and smoothest operation possible, especially if you spend alot of time on the computer.
Being somewhat of a tech-guy, I was shocked that this actually works. To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the “W” below. Then drag the “W” towards “G”. If it doesn’t work, you may need to clean your mouse.

WHAT A DUMBASS…
YOU’LL BELIEVE ANYTHING

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for Roscoe, our hunting dog, and was standing in line at Wal-Mart getting ready to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was “where’s your sign lady” but decided to go with it…SO…On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Weight Loss Diet again.

I said I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital the last time. But that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is; you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete… so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least.

Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

She got upset. Made a complaint. WAL-MART asked me not to shop there anymore. It was worth it.

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor – the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.”
For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow’s butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. “Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you,” the professor says.

Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson… “Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow’s butt, and I sucked on my index finger… Now, learn to pay attention.”

The moral: Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher when you’re stupid.

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factor where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in their manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it’s doing. “As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise.” he says “The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a “hiss.. hiss… hiss-pop” sound during the manufacturing process. “Wait a second,” the future shift manager says, “I know what the hiss, hiss is… but what’s with the ‘pop’ noise every once in a while?”

“Oh, that hehe. It’s the same as the baby bottle nipple process.” says the guide… “It pokes a hole in every third condom.”

“But that can’t be good for the condoms!” the observant shift manager replied.

“Nah, but it’s really good for the baby bottle nipple business!”