Latest / New Women Jokes Collection

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form.
Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely
good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing
agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced
hands.

BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge

DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
These include any chocolate used for energy,
brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else’s plate, the
calories don’t count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
of personal fuel.

* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
* Taxis stop for us.
* We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
* We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
* We have the ability to dress ourselves.
* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
* We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
* We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren’t listening anyway.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind, Ill do it myself,” and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, “Now what are you mad about?” says, “If you dont know Im not going to tell you.”

A nice lady in a short skirt walks up to a police man on the street and says, “I have a problem.”
The police man asked her what it is, she points to a man across the street and says, “See that man?”
The police man replies, “Yes, is he watching you?”
She replies, ” NO!, that is the problem!”

A few women were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, one woman responded with surprise that sleep was a factor. Another replied: “Of course sleep is a factor. The only time Im not eating is when Im sleeping!”

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can’t stand to see a
man having a good time.

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I’ll just beat him to death.

Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now… I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnocologist .

AND …..
When we have REAL trouble, it’s a HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of the female problems start with MALES???

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.

Send this to all the men just to annoy them …..and it does!!!